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[May. 7th, 2012|04:21 pm] |
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time needs to move in a more consistent manner |
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[Apr. 29th, 2012|05:48 pm] |
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if a slight suggestion of rejection is able to make me so heavy-hearted, i cannot imagine how an actual one will feel. should i test my limits, for once, or shy away (assuming that chances have not died away due to my incessant screw ups)? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2012|02:16 am] |
i just woke up from a 6-hour nap (does it still count as a nap?) and i still feel rather sleepy. i had a bowl of cereal (is it a midnight snack or is it breakfast?) and the bowl is next to me on the bed (oh and i just realised there's a plate on my window ledge) and i can't bring myself to put it anywhere else. being out of bed has been most draining of late.
my sense of time has been completely distorted (or has it become more true?) since easter break when there was simply nothing i had to attend to and time was really in my hands. i didn't have to plan meals or to sleep at certain times. i did what i felt like, whenever. i experienced the fluidity of time. hours, days and weeks rolled into each other. it was like listening to a mix made so you don't consciously know when a song flowed/switched to another.
now that school has started, i'm having trouble adjusting. it doesn't help that the sun is confusing me as well. the sun sets after 830pm, and if i don't check the clock, i would've thought i have ample time on my hands still. i now keep the curtains drawn so i will not be fooled by the brightness of day and so i can remain impenetrable to the erratic weather of loughborough that has the ability to affect my mood. i prefer to keep my problems as simple and inconsequential as 'is it time to put on my night cream yet?' |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2012|11:56 pm] |
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i looked through my older posts and had a rude shock. i have hence friends-locked 2006 - 2009. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2012|12:18 am] |
a while ago i was listening to a song on repeat.
i went slightly crazy, unable to function at all because it was just evoking too many emotions i don't recognise or can't process and i couldn't stop the song at all. then i created a playlist on itunes with only five songs, switched off the lights, drew the curtains, rolled a cigarette and made a mug of hot chocolate, dimmed my computer (completely) and hid under my duvet. through the five songs, the only thing that was illuminated was my cigarette, and all i could see was the burning end and light wisps of smoke. i had to feel for the ashtray, feel the mug in my hand and i could only hear the five songs that played. it felt like a necessary ritual and i realised what i was summoning was loneliness. the last few weeks of living closely with people and being busy meeting old friends and going to new places made me forget that loneliness is universal, eternal and hence dear.
after the songs finished playing, i sat in darkness for a while and my housemate knocked on the door to lend me the sewing kit that i asked to borrow a few days back. the lights came back on and i felt lighter. i sat on my bed and sewed pompoms to my shoes and nothing made me glad-er. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2012|09:18 pm] |
"tu es un poisson des grandes profondeurs. aveugle et lumineux. tu nages en eaux troubles avec la rage de l'ère moderne, mais avec la poésie fragile d'un autre temps."
-J'ai tué ma mère, 2009 |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2012|06:43 am] |
Bizarre, the things and people I miss. They're the ones I never was emotionally attached to. Don't miss my vivienne westwood shoes as much as I thought I would, though there are times I wish I brought them along, even if not to wear, they do provide me with a sense of security and make me feel warm inside. I do think of them sometimes and wonder how they're doing back home, the dust they might be catching and I email my sister to ask her to check on them. But yeah, thought I'd miss them but no, I just think of them. Missing's something else.. And I'm slowly learning how it feels like to miss something. Such feelings don't come naturally, for me at least.
I've been used to being alone or around strangers so much I find it a bit hard to cope with familiar people around me in unfamiliar places. I keep wondering about how different it would be if I lived with strangers of another culture. I am not so sure how to react when people dance with me. Or how to travel with people, do things together..
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2011|01:01 pm] |
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you're unbelievable. im anticipating to see what is to follow |
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