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Been a day and the dust is still settling. Feel like I've been… - until everything was rainbow, rainbow, rainbow [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Apr. 22nd, 2013|11:37 am]

Been a day and the dust is still settling. Feel like I've been cut and a cake of dust is forming but I'm not recovering. My position is unintentionally usurped forever by someone close and there really is no one to blame. I feel like I've betrayed two people but they probably don't even feel like I did, which makes this all the more crazy like I'm the one insane and overly sensitive. I thought my utterances died the second they were born but they've taken on an afterlife in a way that's out of my control, and I cannot deal with that. Why am I so responsible about everything I do and say with people I meet? And how am I supposed to talk about something, a non-incident, that did not occur to anyone else but me, whose effects are not insignificant but of non-significance?

I'm a visitor of a huge garden and because of my need to do the garden artist justice, I want to take every single path in it, not miss a single route designed, even if it wears me out. But I forget that maybe the artist did not intend the whole of the garden to be experienced. Justice was never on his mind. Maybe I can't love everyone just because they are nice. Mozi was wrong about jian ai. Man was not made to be fair.

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